Choices

Everyday we wake there are choices to be made whether consciously or subconsciously. Some choices are simple should I eat this for breakfast or eat that for breakfast. Some choices are more difficult should I take this job and move my life to another area. Then there are those choices you do not realize you are making until you reap the consequence of that choice. These are the choices one has not sat and ponder for hours and days. That has been true for me over the past few months. I made choices over the past few months of my life that were not wise and am now reaping the consequences. However I am also seeing that in the midst of the pain and suffering of my choices, God is meeting me there. Should he? In my mind, absolutely not! I sinned against Him. God said, "Choose this way," and in my disobedience, weakness of the flesh I chose another way. But he reaches out and grabs me, His prodigal, and says, "I am still not done with you." The past few months have been filled with darkness, confusion, pain, doubt, hurt, anger and may I add much shame! But God in His mercy has held to His promises that He will never leave me or abandon me. Even in my sin, God has not left me. This morning I was reading Philippians 1. I am always encouraged and challenged when I see the life of the apostle Paul. There are several things that stuck out to me this morning. The first one is in verse 6. God will complete what He started in me, though the path is painful at times and sometimes the road is not clear, I can rest in knowing that Christ is returning, and on that day, I will be fully glorified. There will be no more sin and no more poor choices. Another two verses that brought me hope was 1.12-14. Paul saw his present affliction (circumstance) as a trial that has led to the furthering of the gospel, for his chains made him more confident in speaking the gospel without fear. Who would have thought the apostle Paul was fearful in preaching the gospel? And who would have ever thought chains would break that fear? I looked at my own situation, and I cannot make sense of any of it today. Everyday my emotions vary, but God remains constant. Whether it is shame, confusion, or anger, God meets me in that emotion, and one day I will see beauty come from my unwise choices. God is still writing my story. And though I often feel my witness of the Gospel is ruined; God reminds me He is in the process of making in stronger. Finally, verse 1.29 reminded me that any suffering as a believer never goes wasted. It is all meaningful. It is a gift of grace. I admit most days I do not see my present situation as a gift of grace, but that is when trust comes in and again the freedom to choose. Do I choose to walk in faith or do I choose to walk by sight? Sometimes faith seems easy, but most days it seems impossible. Either way God does not leave me, but He meets me in my weaknesses, my doubts, my anger, my fears, disappointment, shame, confusion. So often I hear the Holy Spirit's whispers, "I am at work. You cannot see it right now, but I am working." Romans 8.28 "In all things (even my wrong choices) God works for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purposes." Today is not going to be easy, tomorrow may not be easy, the next month will not get easy. But everyday waking and choosing obedience by God's grace alone will one day lead to a day when it is better, and when I see the beauty come from my ashes. Oh God, I ask for your mercy and grace everyday. Even the days when I want to run and hide because I feel overwhelmed with my emotions. Grab me and dont let me have my own way.